Planetary Support Group
Group Photo
Filed by Saturn, Moderator (still unpaid)
Right. Support Group Entry 32 million and 56.
Subject: Earth’s ongoing human infestation.
Spirits: low. Ozone levels: even lower.
Date: Whenever. Time is a bit of a wibbly thing when you’re older than dirt.
Attendance: Everyone showed up, except for Ceres (again), and Pluto, who insisted on sitting just outside the official meeting boundary and calling in Typical.
It didn’t take long for the usual suspects to stir things up.
Mars opened with his standard subtlety:
“Just give her a quick asteroid shower,” he said. “Worked wonders for me. Wiped the little buggers right off.”
Honestly, he’s been campaigning for orbital cleansing since the dinosaurs.
Uranus interjected, slightly confused as usual:
“How do you even know Earth’s got humans?” he asked. “We don’t do house calls.”
Mars, replied:
“There’s crap everywhere! Look at her atmosphere—it’s like a collapsing tent made of chewing gum. Her ozone layer’s practically transparent. And don’t get me started on the swarm of tin cans in orbit.
(He meant satellites, but Mars likes to be poetic when bitter.)
Earth (Gaia) piped up, mortified as always:
“Mars, don’t talk about my ozone—it’s embarrassing. I only just developed the thing! What’s it been… 600 million years?”
Fair point. She’s a late bloomer.
Venus, of course, couldn’t help herself:
“Oh please. I never had an ozone layer. One of their probes dropped by me once tickled a bit. Burned up before I could even blink. Honestly, best foreplay I’ve had in eons.”
Note to self: never ask Venus for dating advice.
Neptune added, voice like drifting fog:
“One of those tin cans zinged past me last week. Scared the krill out of my latest storm formation.”
(He doesn’t have krill, but Neptune is head of BS.)
Mars again, still salty:
“They had one of their dumb rovers crawling all over me for years. Searching for life. Idiots wouldn’t know life if it tap-danced on their telescopes holding a welcome banner.”
Honestly? Fair.
Then Jupiter thundered in:
“At least they don’t come near me. Too much radiation. I zapped a few probes and that seemed to do the trick. Scared ‘em straight.”
Jupiter does enjoy his big-boom energy.
From the phone, Pluto moaned:
“I used to get probes. Back when I was a planet.”
We all ignored him, mostly out of love. And exhaustion.
Mercury whispered:
“Here we go again…”
I asked Earth to share her thoughts.
She sighed. You know the kind of sigh, the one that says life's just getting too much.
“I just… I wanted to help,” she said. “Mars said they needed a new home, so I said, ‘Sure! let them come make sure they have their vaccinations and a fresh pair of underwear!’ Now I’ve got melting poles, extinction events every Tuesday, and a magnetic field behaving like it’s on its third espresso.”
Honestly, she looked radiant… in the way a stressed-out geode does.
Venus sipped another lava and muttered:
“Told you not to let them in. They spread like galactic mould.”
Mars simply said:
“I did warn you babe.”
'Babe', ye gods! where did that come from, I tried to steer it back to constructive talk:
“Alright, alright let's have some suggestions please other than an asteroid shower.”
Mars raised a red eyebrow (don’t ask how):
“What about just one asteroid? Medium-sized. For emphasis.”
Everyone groaned
Neptune floated a less violent solution:
“Let’s start a rumour. Say there’s a better planet in Alpha Centauri. Maybe they’ll migrate.”
Pluto chimed in, all hope and heartbreak:
“I could take them. It’s cold. It’s dark and I'm know I'm technically not a planet anymore, but I’ve got space.”
Earth panicked at the idea:
“No! You’d never survive them, Pluto. They’d mine your crust, build a Starbucks, then leave you for dead.”
She’s not wrong.
So, we agreed Earth would continue therapy plus at least a 100 years of ozone improver pills, No more surprise probes. And I’m drafting an official “Do Not Send Tesla's into Orbit” notice because that is just bloody rude
Next session’s topic: Uranus’ name rebranding. Because, frankly, the jokes are getting out of hand.
End of log.
Saturn out.
