Professor Highbrain

Professor Highbrain and his amazing hat

As reported by Daisy Streams of the popular TT News channel.

We go live now to Ms Streams at the prestigious Dark Space Theory University on Gharneth Prime...

“Thanks Rico… Well. There’s clever, there’s genius, and then there’s Professor Thaddeus Highbrain. A man so obsessed with knowledge he had surgery on his head to fit it all in.”

Once a humble professor here at DSTU, Highbrain's mind was already the stuff of legends. But as is the fashion with most legends, he decided to go bigger. Literally.

It began with the brain of his late mentor, Dr Zhu Knows, who donated is 275-year-old intellect as part of the noble “One Head, Two Minds”programme. That went surprisingly well. So well, in fact, that he added a third: an organically grown, AI-enhanced neural core loaded with the sum total of three solar systems’ knowledge and a snarky probability engine nicknamed Gladys.

His neck did not approve. Nor did his barber.

So Thaddeus fired is hairdresser and invented the super-strength K-Alloy Neck and Collarbone Reinforcement System (with Zalion cloaking tech) and of course that now-iconic multi-coloured top hat, enhanced with military-grade materials so classified, the hatter who made it has since mysteriously vanished. The hat's main feature is the well-known ceiling detection sensor, but insiders claim it contains more internal tech than most planetary probes.

His obsession with gadgets go far beyond his hat. Highbrain also wears a hyper-spectrum monocle, capable of detecting five distinct wavelengths, including x-ray, infrared, and something called “soul-heat”. Unfortunately, this has landed him in occasional scandal, as it’s rumoured, he can accidentally (or intentionally, depending on who’s suing) see through various materials. Clothes included. “It’s not my fault your tunic lacks opacity protocols,” he once quipped. Gross.

He’s now a triple-brained reality star, think tank overlord, and quiz show demigod. Corporations beg for his advice. Galactic governments bid for access to “just five percent of his Tuesday thoughts.” One client, A.X. Whoops & Sons famously sold their entire computing division just to lease bandwidth from his third brain.

But genius, as it turns out, doesn’t come cheap.

“I once spent 72 days unable to decide what to eat,” he told me, “until I developed the Three-Way Actuator. It gives my spare brains a little… encouragement when they start arguing.”

The encouragement? A mild but decisive zap of electricity. Not enough to fry a neuron just enough to settle dinner plans.

Highbrain now lives with a permanent entourage, six stylists (each trained in asymmetrical hat balance), and a fanbase known as the Brainiacs most of whom wouldn’t know a quasar from a quiche but scream loud enough to destabilise small moons.

He’s sponsored by: Yumalish Cola – “The Smart Choice… Probably”OBGFF Jet Boots – “Our Boots Go F’ing Fast!*”
And a 100% Barlax protein paste called unimaginatively “It really is Barlax.”

Of course, not everyone is thrilled by Highbrain’s meteoric ascent. The second and third most intelligent life forms in the galaxy, the sentient fog swarm known as Veltrix-9 and the omnilingual crab attorney Zarbulon Clack, are rumoured to have put a bounty on his oversized head. One out of professional jealousy. The other because, quote: “no one likes a smarty pants”

When asked what’s next, he winked his digital monocle and replied:
“I’m thinking of stacking a fourth brain, but only if I can get a tax break.”

“Four brains?” I mused, watching Highbrain adjust his monocle with the kind of flair only someone burdened by excess neural capacity could muster.

“Well,” he quipped, “I’m either a beacon of evolutionary progress or a tragic episode of Hoarding Neighbours. But if I’m honest, I’m mostly in it for the hats.”

When I asked if he ever worries about his head becoming physically too large, he shrugged.

“That’s why I have stylists and insurance. The premium is hefty, but what can I say? Brilliance comes at a price.”

And with that, the galaxy’s smartest bachelor turned, strutted confidently toward the exit… and spent a full 37 seconds pushing a door clearly labelled PULL.

“Ah,” he said. “Classic cognitive bottleneck.”
So there you have it, Three brains and zero common sense, who knew.

Back to you.